Compromise is a misleading word. Everyone always says that marriage is about compromise, but I have to disagree. In some ways, sure. For instance, I like using a wand scrubber to do the dishes, and Brig likes using the Scotch Brite sponges. So instead of arguing about which method is better, we just buy both. Compromise successful. Argument avoided.
But what about things like how to discipline your children, how to budget and handle your money, when to have a baby, or which job to take? I don't think compromise is necessarily the answer in those situations. See, it's not just about avoiding an argument; it's about doing what's right. Of course, what's right for one family isn't necessarily right for everyone, but determining what's right for your family is a selfless journey. It has to be. The problem with compromise is that it implies that both parties have to somehow be given what they want, at least to some extent. But marriage is not about an individual getting what he or she wants; it's about sacrificing for the sake of the person you love most and working together to build a happy, healthy family.
I remember when Brig and I first got married, I felt very strongly that we needed to start having kids early on. Brig wasn't sure he liked that idea. He wanted time to be newlyweds and enjoy our new life together. Makes sense. I guess we could have "compromised" by choosing a time in the middle of our two desired times to start having kids. But then why did I feel so strongly about having kids right away? And how could I just ignore that feeling, which I believed came from God?
Instead, Brig and I discussed, prayed, discussed, went to the temple, prayed, and discussed some more. During this process, we both committed to be open and humble in our search for answers. (That's not always easy, by the way, but it makes all the difference.) You see, it wasn't about me convincing Brig that we should have a baby or about Brig convincing me we should wait. It was about determining what was right for us at that time. After some time, Brig felt, as I did, that we needed to have a baby. If we had "compromised," we wouldn't have our little Emma, who is now nine months old.
Later in our marriage, we were looking at buying a car. We had an old Honda Accord and wanted to upgrade, especially with a baby on the way. But then one day, Brig told me he didn't feel right about it. Something just felt off. I really liked the idea of getting a newer car, but again, it wasn't about compromising. We could have adjusted our budget and gotten a cheaper car. But instead, we discussed, prayed, discussed, and prayed some more. Ultimately, we decided to not get a new car. We would just stick with our old one for the time being. A year later, when we had built up our savings a bit more, we felt the timing was right, and we were able to get a new car, which is still serving us well. If we had "compromised," we wouldn't have the car we have now.
I've learned over the last two years that compromise is a tool that can be useful, but it is not the answer to every question or the solution to every problem. The goal in marriage is not just to avoid arguing with each other, although there is certainly value in that. The goal is to grow together by following God and humbly striving to do what's right. And with God, there is no compromising. We choose to either follow Him or disobey Him, and then we must accept the consequences of our own actions. Marriage allows us to make those decisions and go through this process with our best friend. So do your spouse and yourself a favor. Don't compromise.
