Who Is Right?

When I was engaged, I had dreams, big dreams, about what married life would be like. My true love and I would leave our Utah home and go on many adventures together, and the flame of our love would never fade. We would have lots of babies, and we would be the best parents. When our kids left for college, we would travel the world, and once we were retired, we would serve missions for our church. Finally, when we were too old for all of that, we would sit together, day after day, in our small, quiet living room, which was too warm for most people but just right for our old bones. We would occasionally be visited by our loving children, with their wonderful spouses and adorable, well-behaved children, and we would cherish those moments and be proud of the great posterity we had. It would be blissful. It would be the perfect ending to a perfect life.

I still believe in that life (to an extent), and I catch glimpses of it every so often. But I often get distracted with the daily tasks of being a homemaker and a mother. Sometimes, I am too busy worrying about cleaning up breakfast or getting my daughter to sleep to think about how I can keep the romance alive in my marriage. Surprisingly, that’s just not at the forefront of my mind.

When my husband comes home from campus, I’m excited to see him, but I’m also tired. And if you know me, you know that I don’t do well when I’m tired. I tend to be more impatient and less understanding. It’s easy for both Brig and me to think we deserve a break at the end of the day. Brig has been attending class and studying all day. His mind is exhausted, and the last thing he wants to do is wash the dishes or change a dirty diaper. I have been cleaning up after a toddler all day and trying not to lose my patience. And on top of that, I’m pregnant, so my energy levels aren’t what they normally would be. When Brig comes home and wants to relax (and expects me to relax with him), all I can think is, “I can’t relax! If we’re both relaxing, who’s going to wash the dishes and change Emma’s diaper and get her ready for bed?”

Luckily, I have a wonderfully patient and understanding husband. But it isn’t until later in the evening that I realize I may have been a little too harsh with my words or a little too demanding of Brig’s time. And it’s in those moments that I remember some very wise advice we received when we were engaged.

Brig and I met with a stake president (church leader), Tim Layton, before getting married, and he wanted to do a little exercise with us. He asked Brig to close his eyes, and then he held up a book and asked me to describe it. I began, “It’s green and thick. It has gold lettering that says “Hymns,” and there is a thin, gold border around the book. There is an image of a black organ below the title.”

President Layton then asked me to close my eyes, and he asked Brig to describe the book. I listened as Brig described something similar to what I had seen, but he didn’t mention any words or images. President Layton then had me open my eyes, and he held the book open so that we could see the front and back covers at the same time. Then he simply asked, “Who is right?”

There was nothing to be said. I realized that I had been describing the front cover of the book, and Brig had been describing the back cover of the book. So we had both been right, although it may have seemed at first that only one of us could be. I learned more from that demonstration than I ever could have from a lecture. When Brig and I have arguments or disagreements, the question is not “Who is right?” We can both be right because we are looking at the same thing from different angles.

We have been married for a little over two years now, and although that is not long, I have often thought back on that experience. I doubt President Layton thinks of us as often as we think of him, and I doubt he realizes what a profound effect that meeting had on us and still has on our marriage.

As human beings, we sometimes get so caught up in trying to convince each other that our way of thinking is the right way, and we forget to step back and look at the situation from other angles and perspectives. We’ve all heard that there are two sides to every story, just as there were two sides to that green hymn book. But marriage has taught me that there are, in fact, three sides to every story: my side, my husband’s side, and the Lord’s side.

My story is usually selfish and flawed because of my own prejudices or weaknesses. Brig’s story is usually less selfish than mine, but still flawed because he doesn’t account for certain things. But the Lord’s story is always perfect and completely selfless. The trick is to figure out what His story is. This can be done through prayer, study, fasting, and attending the temple.

I’ve been thinking about the temple a lot lately, and I came across this quote by Elder John A. Widstoe: “By keeping the [temple ceremonies] fresh in mind, we shall be better able to perform our duties in life under the influence of eternal blessings.” What an incredible promise! Think about that. By attending the temple regularly and pondering on the doctrine taught there, we can be influenced by eternal blessings.

On another occasion, Elder Widstoe talked about how temple attendance is not only for our spiritual benefit, but for our temporal benefit as well. He said, “I believe that the busy person on the farm, in the shop, in the office, or in the household, who has his worries and troubles, can solve his problems better and more quickly in the house of the Lord than anywhere else. If he will leave his problems behind and in the temple work for himself and for his dead, he will confer a mighty blessing upon those who have gone before, and quite as large a blessing will come to him, for at the most unexpected moments, in or out of the temple, will come to him, as a revelation, the solution of the problems that vex his life. That is the gift that comes to those who enter the temple properly, because it is a place where revelations may be expected. I bear my personal testimony that this is so.” [emphasis added]

What a marvelous promise! By attending the temple, we qualify ourselves for heaven’s help in our daily, temporal problems. And we don’t have to sit in the temple until we get all the answers we are searching for. When we leave the temple, the Spirit accompanies us back to the real world and inspires us to know what we should do next. Nowhere else can we qualify for and receive such profound guidance and power.

I absolutely believe that this counsel applies to our marriages. If you and your spouse are struggling to make a decision, struggling with a child, or struggling with each other, go to the temple. There is divine help there, and the Lord is ready to give it. Brig and I have a goal to attend the temple more regularly this year. This is more of a challenge now that we live in Kentucky, where the closest temple is three and a half hours away. That’s quite a change from when we lived in Provo, just a couple blocks away from the temple. Getting to the temple will be more of a sacrifice for us now, but I firmly believe that the Lord will help us get there, and He will bless us when we leave that holy place. I challenge all LDS people reading this blog to examine their current temple habits and determine whether there is something more they can do to either attend more often or attend in a more “proper” spirit. The temple has so much to offer, and its influence in our lives cannot be replicated in any other way.

I remember when I first came home from my mission, I was completely overwhelmed. I went from being surrounded by missionaries to being surrounded by people who weren’t as focused on the gospel (because who is that focused as a non-missionary?). I went from teaching the principles of the gospel every day to having hours of unplanned time. On top of that, Brig was so excited to have me back, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to be back at all, let alone jump into a relationship and into marriage. One evening, Brig and I visited the new Payson, Utah temple. We walked the grounds and then sat on a bench while we looked at this magnificent building. And in that moment, I was overcome with sorrow. It may seem strange that being at the temple would bring me sorrow, but it was only because I could finally feel the Spirit in a magnitude that I had been missing since I had come home, and it broke my heart to realize that things would never be the same again.

After some time and some reflection inside the Mount Timpanogos Temple on a later day, I was able to adjust to being home and move forward with my life. But I have often thought back on that day outside the Payson Temple. The Spirit that I felt there was undeniable and unforgettable. And the amazing thing is that I wasn’t even inside. Just being on the grounds allowed me to feel the Lord’s presence. I attended the temple once a week for the rest of that year and into the next year, and I know that the power of the temple is what kept me strong in my weak moments and what kept me focused in my dark moments.

Many temples literally stand as a light on a hill, and they should all stand as a light in our lives. Any time we feel engulfed by darkness or confusion, we can go to the temple to receive light and knowledge and clarity. This is one of the greatest gifts our Father has given us to help us through this life. The temple is His house, and when we go there, we can find Him. I testify of that, and I hope you will join me in trying to make the temple a bigger part of your life this year.