The Selfishness of Compromising

Compromise is a misleading word. Everyone always says that marriage is about compromise, but I have to disagree. In some ways, sure. For instance, I like using a wand scrubber to do the dishes, and Brig likes using the Scotch Brite sponges. So instead of arguing about which method is better, we just buy both. Compromise successful. Argument avoided.

But what about things like how to discipline your children, how to budget and handle your money, when to have a baby, or which job to take? I don't think compromise is necessarily the answer in those situations. See, it's not just about avoiding an argument; it's about doing what's right. Of course, what's right for one family isn't necessarily right for everyone, but determining what's right for your family is a selfless journey. It has to be. The problem with compromise is that it implies that both parties have to somehow be given what they want, at least to some extent. But marriage is not about an individual getting what he or she wants; it's about sacrificing for the sake of the person you love most and working together to build a happy, healthy family.

I remember when Brig and I first got married, I felt very strongly that we needed to start having kids early on. Brig wasn't sure he liked that idea. He wanted time to be newlyweds and enjoy our new life together. Makes sense. I guess we could have "compromised" by choosing a time in the middle of our two desired times to start having kids. But then why did I feel so strongly about having kids right away? And how could I just ignore that feeling, which I believed came from God?

Instead, Brig and I discussed, prayed, discussed, went to the temple, prayed, and discussed some more. During this process, we both committed to be open and humble in our search for answers. (That's not always easy, by the way, but it makes all the difference.) You see, it wasn't about me convincing Brig that we should have a baby or about Brig convincing me we should wait. It was about determining what was right for us at that time. After some time, Brig felt, as I did, that we needed to have a baby. If we had "compromised," we wouldn't have our little Emma, who is now nine months old.

Later in our marriage, we were looking at buying a car. We had an old Honda Accord and wanted to upgrade, especially with a baby on the way. But then one day, Brig told me he didn't feel right about it. Something just felt off. I really liked the idea of getting a newer car, but again, it wasn't about compromising. We could have adjusted our budget and gotten a cheaper car. But instead, we discussed, prayed, discussed, and prayed some more. Ultimately, we decided to not get a new car. We would just stick with our old one for the time being. A year later, when we had built up our savings a bit more, we felt the timing was right, and we were able to get a new car, which is still serving us well. If we had "compromised," we wouldn't have the car we have now.

I've learned over the last two years that compromise is a tool that can be useful, but it is not the answer to every question or the solution to every problem. The goal in marriage is not just to avoid arguing with each other, although there is certainly value in that. The goal is to grow together by following God and humbly striving to do what's right. And with God, there is no compromising. We choose to either follow Him or disobey Him, and then we must accept the consequences of our own actions. Marriage allows us to make those decisions and go through this process with our best friend. So do your spouse and yourself a favor. Don't compromise.

Anxiety Anyone?

In case you haven't noticed, it's been awhile since I last posted. The last few months have been especially hectic for us. My husband graduated college and interviewed for medical schools throughout the country, Emma continued to grow and require my attention while I worked full-time, and we have been preparing to move across the country. Posting on my blog, unfortunately, has been at the very bottom of my to-do list.

But after having a life-changing experience yesterday, I want to write about the importance of remembering who you are. (This sounds better in Mufasa's voice, just saying.) Let me tell you a story to explain what I mean.

Seven months ago, I had my first baby. I was so happy and excited; I had been waiting and preparing for years to become a mom, and my dream had finally come true. I loved my new, little baby with my whole heart. But it didn't take long for reality to set in. Breastfeeding was a challenge for me, and my baby wasn't gaining enough weight. Then it took me a little while to figure out how to get her to take naps without needing me to hold her. I felt like all I did was feed my baby and watch Netflix. Eventually, I started figuring things out, but I often got stressed out and felt like I wasn't doing enough.

One night, I woke up with immense back pain. It was like nothing I had ever felt before. Not only did my back hurt, but my stomach did as well. That was new. All I could do was take ibuprofen and lay flat on the floor until I fell asleep.

Fast forward several weeks. I went back to my full-time job. Suddenly, I always felt rushed to get everything done. I felt rushed when I dropped Emma off in the morning and when I picked her up in the afternoon so that I could get to work or home as soon as possible. I felt so much (self-inflicted) pressure to make a great dinner and keep a clean house on top of everything else I was doing, so I couldn't afford to waste any time.

In the middle of all of this, Brig was traveling for interviews and working toward graduation. When he got accepted to a medical school in Kentucky, we started making plans to move across the country. We were also dealing with some family challenges that were putting a lot of stress on our marriage and on me individually.

Throughout all of this, the immense back pain came back three or four times, but it always went away for a month or so at a time, so we didn't think too seriously about it. But a couple of weeks ago, it happened again after an especially stressful and emotional night, and this time there was vomiting. When the pain came yet again last night, Brig insisted on taking me to the InstaCare to make sure this wasn't something more serious.

After we talked with the doctor for some time and explained to him everything that had happened over the last several months (and especially this last month), he told us that the back pain and stomach pain were probably physical manifestations of the stress and anxiety I had been dealing with.

Suddenly, everything clicked and made sense. I had somehow lost myself in motherhood and had stopped being me. I was no longer Jessica. I was mom. I was wife. I was employee. I was housekeeper. I was cook. And the list goes on and on. But I wasn't Jessica. I didn't even know who she was anymore.

This morning, I came across an article that reminded me that I have value simply because I am a child of God. My value does not come from being the best wife, being the best mom, or being the best employee. My value is inherent and unchanging simply because I am a daughter of God. He is what makes me great.

My goal now is to take time to remember who I am and what makes me, me. I want to spend more time reading and writing for fun. I want to go hiking and spend time outdoors. I want to exercise more consistently not just so that I can look good but so that I can feel good. I want to have more meaningful scripture study and take time to really learn from the Spirit. I want to be the girl my husband fell in love with. If you find yourself in a similar situation, I hope that you will do what it takes to find yourself again. We all have many roles, and those are wonderful and important. But never forget that you have worth regardless of what those roles are or how well you think you fulfill them. You are special, talented, and valued independent of what you do.


*I later found another article that might be helpful. You can read it here.

It Takes Two...No, Really.

I'm going to be honest. This week was a hard one. You know when you've been trying so hard to make sure everything gets done, and then one day it all comes crashing down on you? Yeah, that was me this week. Let me give you a little background.

I work full-time so that my husband can do school full-time and focus completely on his classes and his applications to medical school. A lot of people do that, and it was working out great for us. Then I had a baby. I loved spending time with Emma during my maternity leave, and I needed that time to adjust to motherhood. But the inevitable day came when I had to return to work.

Now I have to leave Emma with my mom or mother-in-law while I go to work. Luckily, my manager lets me work the last half of the day from home, and my husband watches Emma during that time while he tries to do homework. Once I am done working, it's time to get dinner ready. We usually get a half hour to eat together before Brig has to leave for a study group, a church meeting, or something else. So I stay home with Emma and get her ready for bed while also trying to clean up dinner and do other chores.

Here's where things get complicated. Brig and I were both raised in very traditional homes. Dad goes to work. Mom stays home with the kids. Dad fixes things and handles everything car-related. Mom cooks and cleans. That's all great, and Brig and I would love to eventually be in a situation where I can stay home with Emma and he can work. But in the meantime, we have to be flexible. I have noticed that because we are both familiar with the traditional marriage, Brig and I have struggled to know how to divide responsibilities during this time of our lives. We both expect me to make dinner and keep up on the household chores. My husband is not just a bum, okay? I expect those things of myself, and I am awful at asking for help. Well last week I learned the hard way that I can't do everything. Shocker, right? I can't work full-time, change all the diapers, do all the feedings, make dinner, do the dishes, and stay sane. I guess some women can do that, and if you're one of those women, you are my hero. But I am just not cut out for that.

One day last week, I couldn't take it anymore. I felt like I was drowning in a lake, and I was flailing my arms and kicking my legs, desperately trying to keep my head above water. But no matter what I did, the waves just kept crashing on top of me, threatening to overwhelm me for good. So I did what any girl would do. I cried a little bit in my car, and then I texted my husband.

I told Brig how I was feeling, and we talked about how we could better divide our responsibilities. And here's the thing: guys want to help, but they don't always know how to help. At least, that is the case with my husband. During our conversation, I told Brig how overwhelmed I felt, without blaming him or accusing him, and he was happy to help me. We talked about specific things he could do, and I told him I would be better at asking for help when I need it.

Later that day, he came home and took care of Emma for me. I was working, and he was walking through the apartment grabbing things. I wasn't paying very close attention until I saw that Brig had pulled out the baby bathtub. Tears came to my eyes as I realized what he was doing. The day before, I had mentioned that I hadn't given Emma a bath when I should have because I hadn't had time, and remembering that, Brig was getting everything ready to give her a bath himself. It seems like such a small thing, but in that moment, I felt like Brig was rescuing me from drowning in that lake I was talking about. When I saw Brig putting the bathtub in the sink and filling it up with water, it was like he was extending his arm and reaching down into the water to pull me out. I don't think I had ever loved him as much as I did in that moment.

So to all you wives who feel like you're drowning in your to-do lists and to all you husbands who feel like you aren't strong enough, I am telling you that there is hope. There is a solution. You do not have to drown. Be each other's life guards, and catch each other when you fall. If you haven't already, I encourage you to sit down together, hold hands, and discuss what you can do to improve your marriage and more effectively work as a team to reach your goals as a family. I promise you can do it, and I promise that this will bring you and your spouse closer together.

I read a quote today that said, "Marriage is not 50/50. Divorce is 50/50. Marriage is 100/100." So give it everything you have, and be honest with your spouse when you feel like everything isn't good enough. You will be reminded and amazed at how much your spouse loves you and wants to rescue you.

The Fight Against Complacency

I don't know about you guys, but when I was younger, I always thought, "Valentine's Day will be so romantic when I have someone to share it with. I'll get flowers, and we'll have a fancy dinner, and everything will be perfect." And I was right. Valentine's Day has the potential to be a wonderfully romantic experience. But there's one thing about Valentine's Day that I don't like: it often makes people complacent about their relationships the rest of the year.

Why do we put so much effort into one day to show our spouses that we love them? Shouldn't we be doing that all year long? Complacency is sometimes a weakness of mine. I love routines, and when I get into a routine, it is easy to become complacent about whatever I am doing, whether it be my job, my church calling, or my marriage. But complacency breeds indifference, and indifference kills love.

So how do we fight against complacency in our marriages? I would love to get some comments from you readers about how you have been able to avoid becoming complacent in your marriages. This will look different for everyone, but personally, I think it is important to seek out opportunities to serve my husband every day. I am certainly not perfect at this, but when I am better at serving him, I feel more love for him, and in turn, he feels more love for me. Something else that has helped me recently is setting time aside every evening to play games together, rather than watching a television show. Sometimes it's hard to do that because by the end of the day, we're both exhausted and ready to turn our brains off. But doing these simple things has made an enormous difference in my relationship with my husband, especially since we had our baby a few months ago.

Now don't get me wrong. I still think Valentine's Day is wonderful, and it serves as a reminder that we should celebrate love. But I also think that Valentine's Day should not be the only day of the year that we set time aside for our spouses. It shouldn't be the only day for flowers, chocolates, and affection. I expect flowers from my husband on Valentine's Day, but I feel even more love from him and for him when he brings me flowers on a random day just because he wants me to know that he loves me. I love that because then I know that a holiday didn't pressure him into doing it. I know that he got me those flowers because he is fighting for our marriage and fighting against complacency.

Vision

When I served as a full-time missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, my mission president had a theme that he shared with the missionaries often: vision. He told the story of a young family stuck in a snowstorm. The wife and child remained in the car while the husband went out to look for help, but it was hard to see anything through the blizzard. Hours later, the man was discovered dead, and the woman and child were found safe in the car. Those who found the man realized that when he had gone out searching for help, he had walked in circles. Without being able to see where he was going, he hadn't been able to make a straight path to get help.

As devastating as that story is, it provides a powerful example of how necessary it is to have vision in our lives, whether it be for our education, our careers, or our marriages. In Proverbs 29:18 in the Old Testament, it says that "where there is no vision, the people perish." My husband and I have often discussed the vision we have for our marriage and for our family. For example, before we were married we decided that the word "divorce" would never come up, no matter what. We decided that we wanted to go on a date every week. We decided that we wanted to make our religion and the Lord a major part of our lives. Those decisions have had an inexplicable impact on our marriage.

So what is your vision? What kind of a marriage do you want to have? Regardless of how your marriage is now, you and your spouse can create a vision and take steps to reach it. But first you need to know how to create a vision. I will share with you the vision my husband and I have for our marriage and our family to give you an idea of what yours could look like. Then we can refer back to it while we go through the steps of making a vision.

Vision: Celestial Kingdom

1. Strategy: Continue to Nourish our Testimonies
• Tactic: Daily personal and companionship prayer and scripture study
• Tactic: Weekly church attendance
• Tactic: Monthly temple attendance
2. Strategy: Utilize the Atonement of Jesus Christ
• Tactic: Take the sacrament each week
• Tactic: Daily repentance
3. Strategy: Strengthen our Family
• Tactic: Hold Family Home Evening each week
• Tactic: Engage in wholesome family activities

Vision

The vision is the big picture. In this example, the vision is to reach the Celestial Kingdom—that's another term for heaven. So think big! What is it that you and your spouse want to achieve together? If you are having a hard time coming up with something, I suggest you pray about it together. When I first got to the mission field, my mission president invited me to create a vision for myself. Over the next couple of days, I prayed to know what the Lord would have me set as my vision. He told me something very specific, and I felt His Spirit throughout my entire soul. It was an incredibly sacred moment for me, which is why I will not share details here. But with the continued guidance of the Spirit, I was able to think of strategies and tactics that would lead me to that divinely given vision. And I know that you and your spouse can have a similar experience and find out what you should be striving for.

Strategy

Once you know what you want your vision to be, you need to come up with a few strategies. A strategy is a milestone on the path that leads to your vision. In the example, the strategies are to continue to nourish our testimonies, utilize the Atonement of Jesus Christ, and strengthen our family. Notice that these strategies are still high-level and are not incredibly specific.

Tactic

Now it's time to get down to the nitty-gritty details. A tactic is a smaller checkpoint to help you know how you are progressing toward your vision. These are the day-to-day actions that, over time, will help you accomplish your strategies. In the example, in order to strengthen our family, we hold something called Family Home Evening every week. This is a time to learn more together about God and the scriptures. We also like to do fun things together, like play games, go bowling, and go out for ice cream. Can you see how these tactics can help us strengthen our family?

I hope this example helps you as you contemplate what your ultimate goal as a couple is. You and your spouse are on a sacred journey together, and it will be really hard to get there if neither of you knows where you are trying to go or if you both think you're headed for different locations. Obviously, the example I provided is very religious, but yours doesn't have to be. Your vision can be as general or as specific as you want, as long as you can come up with strategies and tactics to support it. Here are some ideas you can draw from:

• Be unified
• Harmonious marriage
• Have more fun together
• Serve each other more
• Build a foundation of trust
• Better communication
• Learn a new skill or hobby together
• Improve quality time

The options are endless. Choose something that both you and your spouse feel is important. I think this is especially useful if you are struggling with a specific aspect of your marriage and would like to strengthen that area. If you feel lost, uncertain, or hopeless, don't keep walking around in circles. Figure out where you and your spouse want to go, and use that goal as your point of reference. We can all keep our marriages from perishing if we have vision.

Happily Ever After

I am convinced that "once upon a time" and "happily ever after" have ruined the notion of true love. As a little girl, I played dress-up and pretended to be a princess who was waiting for her prince charming to come and sweep her off her feet and take her to his castle, where they would live happily ever after. But what does it mean to live "happily ever after"? The fairy tales are a little vague on that. I always pictured it as living a life with no homework, no Saturday chores, and no rules. And boy, was I wrong! I'm married to my prince charming now, but I have to work full-time, make dinner every night, keep the house clean, change the baby, feed the baby, put the baby to sleep, and do a million other things. And you know what? When I go grocery shopping, it isn't in a horse-drawn carriage. It's in a crappy, little car that breaks down every six months. Not very suitable for a princess, if you ask me. In the meantime, my husband has to go to school full-time, do homework for hours every day, send applications to medical schools across the country, help out at our church, and run experiments in his research lab. As you can imagine, that doesn't leave much time for frolicking or helping the woodland creatures.

So what happened? What went wrong? Why didn't I get my "happily ever after"? Here's the secret: I did get my "happily ever after." It just isn't at all what I expected it to be. Life is hard. And marriage is hard. But as long as my husband and I work together and always, always, always put an emphasis on strengthening our relationship, we will always have our "happily ever after." My hope in creating this blog is to help other couples realize their "happily ever after." Whether you are drowning and just trying to keep your head above water or absolutely loving your life and your spouse, I hope this blog will help you find ways to strengthen your marriage and rekindle the love you felt on your wedding day.

Now let me get one thing straight. I do not have a degree in family psychology, and I do not have a best-selling book on family relationships. But I do have a husband, and I know what marriage is like. What it is really like. And I just hope that I can pass on what my husband and I have been able to learn throughout our marriage and let other couples know that it is never too late to live happily ever after. It is never too late to make your own story.