In case you haven't noticed, it's been awhile since I last posted. The last few months have been especially hectic for us. My husband graduated college and interviewed for medical schools throughout the country, Emma continued to grow and require my attention while I worked full-time, and we have been preparing to move across the country. Posting on my blog, unfortunately, has been at the very bottom of my to-do list.
But after having a life-changing experience yesterday, I want to write about the importance of remembering who you are. (This sounds better in Mufasa's voice, just saying.) Let me tell you a story to explain what I mean.
Seven months ago, I had my first baby. I was so happy and excited; I had been waiting and preparing for years to become a mom, and my dream had finally come true. I loved my new, little baby with my whole heart. But it didn't take long for reality to set in. Breastfeeding was a challenge for me, and my baby wasn't gaining enough weight. Then it took me a little while to figure out how to get her to take naps without needing me to hold her. I felt like all I did was feed my baby and watch Netflix. Eventually, I started figuring things out, but I often got stressed out and felt like I wasn't doing enough.
One night, I woke up with immense back pain. It was like nothing I had ever felt before. Not only did my back hurt, but my stomach did as well. That was new. All I could do was take ibuprofen and lay flat on the floor until I fell asleep.
Fast forward several weeks. I went back to my full-time job. Suddenly, I always felt rushed to get everything done. I felt rushed when I dropped Emma off in the morning and when I picked her up in the afternoon so that I could get to work or home as soon as possible. I felt so much (self-inflicted) pressure to make a great dinner and keep a clean house on top of everything else I was doing, so I couldn't afford to waste any time.
In the middle of all of this, Brig was traveling for interviews and working toward graduation. When he got accepted to a medical school in Kentucky, we started making plans to move across the country. We were also dealing with some family challenges that were putting a lot of stress on our marriage and on me individually.
Throughout all of this, the immense back pain came back three or four times, but it always went away for a month or so at a time, so we didn't think too seriously about it. But a couple of weeks ago, it happened again after an especially stressful and emotional night, and this time there was vomiting. When the pain came yet again last night, Brig insisted on taking me to the InstaCare to make sure this wasn't something more serious.
After we talked with the doctor for some time and explained to him everything that had happened over the last several months (and especially this last month), he told us that the back pain and stomach pain were probably physical manifestations of the stress and anxiety I had been dealing with.
Suddenly, everything clicked and made sense. I had somehow lost myself in motherhood and had stopped being me. I was no longer Jessica. I was mom. I was wife. I was employee. I was housekeeper. I was cook. And the list goes on and on. But I wasn't Jessica. I didn't even know who she was anymore.
This morning, I came across an article that reminded me that I have value simply because I am a child of God. My value does not come from being the best wife, being the best mom, or being the best employee. My value is inherent and unchanging simply because I am a daughter of God. He is what makes me great.
My goal now is to take time to remember who I am and what makes me, me. I want to spend more time reading and writing for fun. I want to go hiking and spend time outdoors. I want to exercise more consistently not just so that I can look good but so that I can feel good. I want to have more meaningful scripture study and take time to really learn from the Spirit. I want to be the girl my husband fell in love with. If you find yourself in a similar situation, I hope that you will do what it takes to find yourself again. We all have many roles, and those are wonderful and important. But never forget that you have worth regardless of what those roles are or how well you think you fulfill them. You are special, talented, and valued independent of what you do.
*I later found another article that might be helpful. You can read it here.
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